“You Can Be Right, or You Can Be Married”
I heard this phrase as a counseling student in the throes of her program. It was before I’d started seeing clients – during a time when I was consuming as many mental health podcasts as I could stand in the vain hope it would make me a better counselor. Most of them were utterly forgettable and did not, in fact, help.
This phrase, though. This one sticks and always comes back. Thank you, Esther Perel. (I know the quote is also occasionally attributed to Terry Real, but I definitely heard it from Esther on her “Where Should We Begin?” podcast.)
There inevitably comes a time in a couples session where one person looks at their partner and says one of these:
“I told you that.”
“That’s not what happened.”
“How could you forget?”
“You knew this.”
“You and I both know–”
“You’re lying.”
When this happens, I will usually let the couple fight — and it will be a fight — for at least a bit so I can see their process. But when I’ve gathered all the information I need, I start with some “psychoeducation” that really is a bit more philosophy.
There is no objective reality.
Again: There is no objective reality.
“But Mia, what about—”
No.
There are things that are easier to get everyone to agree on — how many chairs are in my office, the color of my shirt that day — but even then, we could disagree on the exact shade of green of my shirt. If I didn’t draw my client’s attention to how many chairs are in my office and I asked them when they can’t look at them, they could get the answer wrong because they forgot. And that’s the point. If a client only remember two chairs when there are actually three, the “world” they live in is a world where my office has two chairs. Now maybe they can come back in, and notice there are three chairs later, but that’s only possible because there’s a physical object that didn’t change in the meantime. There’s also a version where I remove the third chair and even if someone else were to say “But there used to be three chairs!” there’s no proof anymore. There are some things we can never go back and “prove.” Who said what, in what way, in what order, for example.
Another good example might be a photograph. A lot of people treat photographs as “objective” or fact, but any photographer will tell you a photograph holds a lot of subjectivity. The subject, angle, lighting are all choices made by a photographer to create the image they want. And that’s not even accounting for any editing that might happen afterward.
So here’s what I tell clients: you are two different humans, with two different brains, two different lived experiences. There is no way you’re ever going to perceive something the same way. Stop focusing on what happened. Focus on what you feel because of how you remember it, and how your partner remembers it. Maybe you’re sad because the thing you remember happening is hurtful, you’re disappointed and angry because the other person doesn’t remember what they said or how they said it. You might feel betrayed because they denied that it happened the way you remembered it. Of course you feel that way. And. A lot of people think that if their partner only remembered things like they remembered them, that they could resolve the “problem.” Their partner would say sorry, it won’t happen again, they would get closure, the bad feelings would go away. But a partner agreeing is no guarantee of those things. What they really need is to target and address the feelings. Without it, no closure or resolution will truly be reached.
The “talking about the feelings” part is hard, though — especially if someone is not used to it. That’s where we get into the importance of non-violent communication. Using “I feel” statements, refraining from blame, keeping the focus on one’s own experience and not making assumptions about the other person or their experience. Yes, it’s Couples Therapy 101, but it’s a core skill for a reason. No hard conversation can be had productively without it.
I understand this blog is essentially asking people to consider abandoning reality as many have learned to understand it, and that can feel like abandoning the value of their perspective. However, I really would argue it’s the opposite. For as long as someone needs their partner to validate the “objective truth” of their experience, that person gives up control and places more value on what their partner thinks of their reality than what they think of their own reality. The second someone stops “needing” their partner to agree with what happened and confronts them with the reality of their feelings, a far deeper, affirming, and meaningful conversation can be had.
There are, unfortunately, relationships where someone might try to deny, dismiss, or redirect a partner’s feelings even when confronted with them. This is again where being able to validate their own reality becomes necessary. “You only feel ______ because you’re tired. You’re not really that angry. It’s not that deep. What about how I feel?” If someone can validate the truth and depth of their own feeling, those invalidating statements lose their power and are shown to be as absurd as they are. In relationships like that, it’s important to remember it takes both partners to do the work — to be vulnerable, receptive, and validating — and if someone isn’t doing their part, the relationship can’t improve.
The statement, “You can be right, or you can be married,” could sound like an insistence to “bite your tongue”, but it’s my hope that this blog offers a much different understanding. The ask in that statement is to let go of the idea of only one “right”, focus on feelings so no one can refute them, and learn to need no one’s external validation for an experience to be “true.”
If you or your partner want more individualized help in this area, seek out your own couples therapist!
