Am I Asexual?

Jun 17

We are well into Pride Month now, so I want to wish a happy to pride to everyone who is part of the LGBTQIA+ community and all our allies. While there are so many different identities to celebrate this month, I wanted to take some time to highlight one lesser-talked about identity.

I was inspired to write this as I was talking with an acquaintance recently about their myriad identities, including pansexuality. I chimed in to speak to asexuality and demisexuality which, even as someone in the LGBTQIA+ community, they’d never heard of! As I explained a bit about it, they said, “Oh, that sort of sounds like me. I didn’t even know there was a word for that. I wonder if I am?”

So, this blog is for all those out there, like my acquaintance, who might have heard about asexuality and wondered, “Is that me?”

What is Asexuality?

“Asexuality” is an umbrella term that can encompass several other identities, all of which speak to the idea that someone with that identity does not experience sexual attraction — or only experiences attraction in very specific circumstances. Like any identity, asexuality is a spectrum and fluid. It can shift and change over time as people grow and change and as new relationships enter their lives. Someone that is not asexual, aka someone who experiences sexual attraction on a regular basis, is referred to as “allosexual.”

It may also be important to delineate that asexuality only indicates a person’s relationship to sex. Romance and romantic attraction are an entirely different thing that won’t be covered here. (For more, search “aromantic”/aromanticism.)

Sexual Attraction vs. Libido

One area I’ve seen people commonly get tripped up is determining the difference between sexual attraction and libido. The best way I’ve heard it explained is that libido is the body’s desire for sexual release, whereas attraction is specifically looking at another person and desiring sex with that person. Many asexual people report having a libido — and many see their libido as a nuisance or chore. It is the part where looking at someone else and having it prompt feelings of sexual desire that is missing for people who identify as asexual.

Sex-Positive, Sex-Neutral, and Sex-Repulsed

As I mentioned previously, asexuality is a spectrum. Each asexual person has their own relationship with sex. On one end of that spectrum, you have people who feel rather positively toward sex. Those people might be completely open to having sex with partners, seek it out, and/or enjoy it (see: libido), but still not feel sexual attraction toward their partner(s) or others. Someone who identifies more closely with being sex-neutral might approach sex with an “I could take it or leave it” mentality. These people might be less likely to seek it out, and may have other reasons for engaging with sex (ie, a bonding activity with their partner(s)) that don’t have much to do with the sex itself. Someone who more closely aligns with the sex-repulsed side of the spectrum is likely going to avoid sex whenever possible and does not want sex with others.

Demisexuality

Demisexuality is one of the more common subsets of asexuality. It describes a person who only very rarely experiences sexual attraction with a person they are deeply emotionally connected to. Some people report it can take years for the attraction to emerge. Once that connection is made with a demisexual person, they may feel attraction for their partner(s) on a frequent basis, much like an allosexual person, or it may be very infrequent, depending on their libido and other factors.

Obstacles to Embracing Asexuality

It is important to note that, because asexuality is less discussed, there are some misconceptions and obstacles people face when exploring this identity — both within and outside of the LGBTQIA+ community. I’ll attempt to discuss a few here.

“People who are sex-repulsed must have trauma.” One misconception is that people who are repulsed by sex must have some kind of trauma in their past that drives that revulsion. That is false. However, even if a person does possess a trauma that informs their relationship to sex in a way that means they want to avoid it, it does not somehow diminish or invalidate their asexual identity if they have claimed it.

“How can you say you’re asexual if you have sex?” Asexuality is a description of sexual attraction — specifically, a lack of attraction. It claims nothing about libido or the act of sex. The sex (or lack thereof) isn’t the point.

“No one can tell, so why does it matter?” There are many identities in the LGBTQIA+ community that are or can be invisible. The invisibility affords a certain privilege to that identity that people who are visibly queer/part of the community do not have. However, just like with any identity within the LGBTQIA+ community, assigning a word to the identity is meant to facilitate understanding and shared experience. Also, just like with any sexual identity, asexuality certainly has implications for how people who identify as asexual show up in their relationships with their partners. Giving both asexual people and their partners language to talk about what each person’s experience is like can foster deeper connection and understanding that otherwise may be much more difficulty to reach without it.

“Asexuality doesn’t exist.” I’m pretty sure this has been said about every identity in the LGBTQIA+ community at one point or another. Maybe that statement is proof in itself it’s a real thing. If you’re someone noticing your own skepticism about the “realness” of asexuality, or you’ve spoken to that person, I invite you (or that person) to be curious about that agenda. What would it mean if asexuality is real? What would it mean if it’s not? There are so many preconceived notions about sexuality and the world that might need unpacking.

Intersections of Other Identities

Asexuality can intersect and coexist with several other identities. It is possible to be, say, an asexual lesbian or be both panromantic and demisexual. It is possible to be in the kink and/or poly communities and be asexual. You can absolutely be married, have sex, and have children as an asexual person. Asexuality should not feel like a hindrance to the life you want to live. If the shoe fits, you have every right to claim it if you choose to.